We Were Mirrors, We Were Ghosts
by Illusion522
Summary: first-person/second person, Teresa POV to Thomas, post Death-Cure After her death, Teresa is still in love with Thomas, and worse yet, her ghost is stuck behind only to watch Thomas live his life without her in paradise.
1. Part 1: Teresa

Teresa POV post Death Cure, to Thomas

She watched him stumble away from her, being towed toward the glow of the shimmering silver panel. She watched him leave her forever as she choked out her last word.

"You." She gasped one more weak breath before the world went blurry and spotted, and blackness overtook her like a swarm of ants. "You…" Her lips formed the word over once more, and then fell still, never to move again.

You…

You…

You.

You can't see me can't hear me either. I'm not sure if you think of me, but I feel like you do from the way I catch you staring at me sometimes. I almost feel like you know I'm there somehow, but deep down, I know that you're staring at nothing, just consumed by your thoughts the way you are sometimes. I can tell you remember me by the way you look at her sometimes. I almost get to feeling sick when I watch you intertwine your hands and look into her eyes and brush her caramel hair from her face before she presses her lips to yours, but then I see the way you close your eyes, like you might even wish everything ended differently. I catch you do that a lot, your lips in a delicate smile when she watches, and a melancholy line when she looks away. She doesn't notice, but she doesn't know. I see you miss me when you hug her or kiss her or pull your hands through her long hair. I can see you pretending I'm there, wishing that maybe I could be. But her hair is a little too long through your fingers, and she feels a little bit too small in your arms to be the girl you left behind. The girl you almost wish was here with you instead. And I am here, but I can't be with you the way she is. When I touch you, you can't feel me. When I speak, you can't hear me. When I look at you, you can't look back.

You put your hand up to shelter your eyes from the sun as you looked across the water alone. I put my fingertips delicately to yours, cradling your face with my other hand. I mouth your name, and trace my hands down your chest as I looked into your eyes. They were as rampant with conflict as mine would be. You looked into mine, and for a fleeting moment, I thought you saw me. For a beautiful, ephemeral second, we were mirrors. I saw a million things flood your mind: relief, happiness, fear, guilt, embarrassment…

"Tom," I called out, holding your face in my hands. My voice came out in a hollow echo, muffled as if we were underwater. "Thomas!"

I pleaded with every ounce of me that I was there with you. I choked on hopeful tears, watching you stare right back at me with a million thoughts and questions and answers. Your eyes were clouded with confusion. Suddenly, you shook your head out violently through my wisps of hands, and looked back at the water with your hands to your head. You stared right past me, and I was lost to you again.

"Stay with me…" I pleaded. "please-" I didn't think you heard me then, but I knew you did before, even just for a minute. I ran my ghostly hand back through your hair. Some of your brown locks actually ruffled, and I felt you shiver, pulling your jacket a little tighter just before you turned away from me and walked back toward the settlement. Before you left completely, you turned over your shoulder to look in my direction as if to look for me.

"Tom!" I should have known after months of this that it'd be no use. But you were so close I kept trying. "Tom, it's me!" I ran toward you, my breeze rippling the grasses around me. Then, by some miracle, your eyes landed on me, standing in front of you. You shook your head again.

"No, I'm going crazy," You mumbled. "Oh, no no no. Just get it together, she's dead-"

"Thomas, I'm here," I grabbed your shoulders and watched goosebumps break out behind your neck. I could see you trying hard both to see me and not to see me. You squeezed your eyes shut and looked back up, but you weren't looking through me anymore, you were looking at me. You saw me.

"Teresa…" You breathed, something I wish I had the luxury of doing anymore. "Teresa, I.."

You began to look through me, past me again. I was fading away. You were looking for me again, but all too quickly, I was already gone.

I think you were my mirror for much more than just that one moment. When I see you go home every day, nothing has changed, weeks, months, and even years later. Your eyes are still empty, your heart still missing something. As time goes on, you only get more of your memory back. And as much as I love you and I want you, I'd give anything for you not to remember us before the swipe, before the maze. Before I lost you. It's hard to see you hurt when you get things back. The first time we met. The first time we kissed. When we grew up together. Your hand in mine. Falling in love… But time continues to poison, and I almost wish you'd forget rather than remember.

It's strange to me that you look so different now, when I've stayed the same. You've grown up and you're growing older while I remain the age I died years ago. It reminds me that you'll die too someday, and I might still be stuck here without you if you pass without something anchoring you here. I hope you'll be okay, though, even if it means I can't be with you at all. But more than that, I hope I find my way so I can be with you someday, and as reluctant as I am to admit it, so I don't have to see you spend your whole life building one with her.

And even though she's Brenda's girl, Deedee's growing up strong and beautiful. I wonder sometimes what Brenda would feel if she knew that used to be my name. What would she feel if her little girl with her mother's pretty hair and sweet smile had my name? If the love of her life was somewhere else in his beautiful little mind? Because she loves you, Tom. She loves you with everything she could love you with, so please, even though it tortures me, hold onto her and love her with everything you have. You can't have me, so love her. You can love me when you get here, but until then, you know we can't be together…

But I also know I can't help the way you wait on that cliff hoping maybe one day, you'll see me again. And as hard as I may try, I can't help the way you keep fiddling with that knife, or the way you're running that rope through your palms. I can't help the way you check on Deedee at night only to retreat to the hallway in tears, torn between one love and another. She's your little girl, Tom. You can't leave her. You can't.

But I had no say. And I couldn't. I couldn't tell you to stay. You couldn't hear those parts of my lost screaming for you not to abandon your life there. The only things that could slip through the cracks of life and death were all the "I love you's." And since that day I saw you miss me more. I saw you look for ways to find your way back to me. And you…

you…

you…

you

You did, Tom. You did.


	2. Part 2: Thomas

Me.

Me.

Me.

At the end of this road, and the beginning of another, I'm all too aware that's all I ever thought about. Me. If I'd only seen that ten seconds sooner. If I'd only seen that before you wasted your life for just that: Me.

And if you'd only known that I cared so deeply for you too. While you saved my body, I still died that day. A boulder, my soul could survive, but losing you… well _that_ killed me. And I tried so hard, because I thought you'd want me to, but I was never the same leaving you behind. I tried to build a new life. And I tried my hardest to make it a life you'd be proud of. One worthwhile of all the pain and the suffering we went through.

But day by day, year by year, time pulled me further away from you, and I couldn't have been more aware. The shame crushed me every day, my own personal boulder to suffocate me the way I deserved. Slowly, slowly.

I think I drove myself crazy. I'd see you places I knew you could never be. I'd hear your voice in flashes of the wind. It made me ache so pathetically, so desperately for just a touch more. And I dreamed so often of finding you again.

Seeing you again. Hearing your voice again. I dreamed of pulling you into my arms, your head tucked into my chest, your hair in my hands, so soft and true, every piece of me starving for your company. I dreamed I could tell you over and over again that I love you. That I forgive you. And that I hope you can ever forgive me.

I'm so sorry, Teresa. I could have eternity with you in some afterlife and not be able to tell you how sorry I am for everything. But I couldn't stand waiting any longer; I'd built a life around the grief I felt, and none of it was fair. Not to you. Not to Brenda. Not to my little girl, who has your name. Not to anyone who knew me after we lost you. So I stopped waiting.

Me.

Me.

Me.

I'm selfish down to my last breath, which I steal from myself. I almost hear my daughter begin to wail as Brenda tearfully tells her what's happened, but suddenly, I'm not here anymore. The body I'd worn for decades stops weighing me down, and the world turns watery. I'm on the cliffside. And crazy as ever, I hear your voice lilting on the wind. But suddenly, in a glowing flicker of a breeze, here you are right in front of me, and you're as perfect as ever. The slow curve of your rosy lip trembles. And it's really you. I hear your last words in my mind, wondering if now is the moment they will cease to be your last words. _I only ever cared for…_

"You." Hearing your voice for the first time in so long almost kills me a second time, and I can't help but burst into tears. And finally, _finally,_

All of my dreams come true.


End file.
